All things know . All things go.

 

 

  People watcher

  

          that's me

                             watching you

 

 

 watching the blades 

            of grass

 

 as the sun  f

                    a

                        l l

                      s

 

 on your golden crown.

 

        no place to run.

                      death finds us all in THE END 

 

 

---

bravo scott ! i like!

 

 

 so we finally crossed the 10000 mark. . ive been on this damn thing for what? almost 3 yrs now? deleted about 3 blogs. made countless more. anyway. it happened and well i wasnt even excited. thats life for you.

4 days no wait 6 days and i shall be back  in london. maybe there will be some cherry trees around. lets hope this trip changes things.

god i ate too much beef !

 

 

 

  higher  plane

             plain stupid

                     stupidity rules

                                  rules to be broken

                                                  broken hearts

                    

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

this is not a good place to be.

     or is it?

 

 

 

                      

 

 

im hungry.

              restless.

i drum my fingers on my empty plate.. it echoes in my empty head. little post-its fluttering in the confines of the brain..

 

                                                    up

                                          shut 

 

     what will it be? grilled cheese? egg? so then will that be an omlete? french toast? sunny side up? desicions. desicions.

                 - there is no bread.  

 back to the empty plate.

 

 

 cornflakes and milk maybe. umm. leaves that hideous taste in my mouth. something low salt. my puffy reflection grimaces back at me.

  ( "you looked pissed kalro.. whats wrong? "

                                                                    "nothing. its just the water retention.." polite smile. and by the way i found out my kidneys dont work properly anymore.

                                           but really. thats ok. i mean what can i do about it? i finished my crying. less than 10 minutes. but that wasnt so much a ' what did i do- to deserve this?' as it was much as ' what am i going to do?' . this girl seems to have lost her passion.

  thank god for food. it is the only saving grace. maybe there will come a time when i lose my interest there too... right now all i can dream of is getting to london and going to tesco. picking up some special spicy pepperoni (oh my god i just realized how loaded with salt that must be.. but hey, ill keep my feet up all day, and eat no other salt. yeah. )

                          i know you feel lost. im sorry for this mess i put you in. you dont deserve it.

 

 what a messy affair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            what a sunday this is going to be..

do not ever make the mistake of trying to look up your illness on google. which will eventually send you to about.com...which takes you on a digital rollercoaster..will have you convinced you are about to die in a month or two. from being extremely tired, and excited.. it only took 51 minutes,and about 15 clicks to imagine i was in for kidney failure. who knows maybe it is heading that way (please no comment) BUT do i really need to know that at 1 53 am? now the 7 dishes of the 180 on the menu i sampled at the wedding are threatening to ....

 well i think I've said too much for one night anyway.

 

there is a chill in the air that wraps itself around my heart.

there are friends to keep in touch with.

there is a boy.

there is me.

 

---

 

after 28 yrs of living i feel hungover. the headache doesnt leave.

 

 

 

 guilt free

 

days

 

seem so                                                                          f   a    r

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

weird.

it feels weird to have a cold. maybe because this is my third cold in all my 28 yrs.

 

sunday.

not the usual sunday, it should only get better.

no sunday blues today :)

 

running

out of words.

 

 

 ok new year , new background, new people, new medicines, same old sickness, but all new romance.

 life goes on.

:)

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

just one of those days - when all is wrong. well not wrong but you only see whats wrong.

which is just plain wrong. so well. something is wrong after all.

which means i am right about something.

and now confused.

 

just a few hours left. for this day to send
perhaps a few sweet dreams.
just a few feet lie,
shattered, between me and my end.

just a few days left, they seem like years,
for our paths to cross
just a few cities left, i wait and watch
as you travel across

ok! so i woke up at 6 30 this morning, i am trying to get off my sleeping pill. its not a bad thing, to wake up at 6 30. its peaceful, no one is going ballistic with road rage, its chilly, and the guys are all training for the marathon that is coming up.. some cute some old, but hot , some not. whatever... its fun to watch them.. they all pass below my house.. ive got my coffee, toast and butter, and compared to the shitty mood i fell asleep in last night, i feel blissfull. i guess the best part of being a easily depressed person, is that is that im doubly easy to please. one little thing is all it takes to make me happy. because i totally dont know how long its going to last. dont get fooled. im real party pooper when im down.  i do not know how to kick that nagging doubt in my head thats trying to get me down. but for a moment like right now, its worth experincing that... but dont try and make life any harder than it already is please. this is not a movie !

 

today im just going to try my best to stay happy. for someone dear. who isnt here anymore.... she made the most amazing beef patties. it was heaven when i ate them. she made them just for me. but more than anything if it wasnt for her, i would never have my best friend. so heres to knowing that life is short. you just have to make the most of it. there is no room for doubt or pride.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i am advised by many people everyday to protect myself. not to say too much. it increases my chances of being hurt. but why blame someone else for all your grief? it takes 2 hands to clap, 2 to tango, and certainly you are  as responsible for your happiness as anyone else is.

how can u go through life without saying whats on your mind? .  is the fear of getting hurt that great, that you would live a life without feeling? isnt that what life is about ? emotion.. having a voice. exchanging thoughts. meeting people, getting hurt, having a good time,  getting up and moving on.   the comment on the last blog brings to mind an old poem.

 

*

she wondered today

as she bathed in chemicals

designed to calm

concocted to clean

why did she feel so dirty

 

later she wondered once more

as she sprayed herself with chemicals

bottled to lure

concocted to seduce

why did she smell fear

 

perhaps if she went through life unfeeling

designed to survive

bottled to hide

and concocted to seduce

would she ever meet you? 

*

 

i dont doubt that maybe i feel too much. and yes i get hurt . but who doesnt? happiness is a state of mind. id take my chances with getting hurt and a few minutes of delusion rather than be the quiet voiceless girl in the corner.

because i want to know whats on your mind.

because i want to tell you what im thinking...

because i think...

 life is just beautiful..

 

 

 

 

(ps felix: i wasnt offended at all by your comment. im glad you said whats on your mind. it made me think about whats on mine..  )

 

a small extract from Scott Adams ' The Dilbert Blog' .. if you aint reading this, your truly missing out on something . . you can read the whole entry here ..  but this particular bit totally cracked me up.

---

I  jumped the gun with my recent series about the “mildly retarded consultant.” Boy did I hear about that. I thought I covered my bases. First, “mild retardation” is the accepted medical term, and I used it that way, as a label and not as an insult. Second, it’s my observation that almost everyone has some sort of mental problem. I’m dyslexic. You have ADD. The neighbor is clinically depressed. Your uncle washes his hands four hundred times a day. Your sister is an emotional basket case. Your best friend is a chronic masturbator. The guy in the next cubicle is on Prozac. The woman behind him is on Xanax. To her right is the guy on Paxil. He’s on the phone with the vendor who’s on Valium. And they all pray to invisible friends.

To put it another way, who the hell DOESN’T have some sort of mental problem? To me, it seemed like everyone was out of the closet on mental disorders, and that mentioning one in particular should be no big deal. But as I said, I misjudged our collective readiness on this issue. I’ll be happy when society realizes that all humans are mentally fucked up, just in different ways. I mistakenly thought we were already there.

---

silence doesnt sit well with me. not when it involves another person. i need to comunicate. i have a nasty habit of thinking for other people. assuming , presuming and screwing my happiness. i wish people would say what was on their minds. but people dont really change. you have to either change yourself or learn to let go. how do you let go of it without letting them go. i hate letting go. especially when its someone i love.

***

this silence  

it speaks a thousand words

*** 

 

life is crawling along. just like this little guy. my brain is running on empty. everything is unreal. sometimes being numb isn't enough. I'm thinking, what's his biggest responsibility?  would i rather be him. crawling along. never having to prove myself. do bugs get diarrhea? or cataracts? or fall in love? write poems and blogs. or do they just get smacked flat out with a heavy book ?

 (this little bugger loves hip hop though... i could tell from his twitching antennae..)

 

 

 

 

 

wires , wires everywhere. whether its San Fran,, mumbai or London.. there was never any shortage of wires all over the place. ok so all the birds seem to have a good time, little rest stops.. watching the sea of human traffic below them. wires below your feet, under the ground. phone wires. conversations travelling underground. and you're walking on them. the next time you talk to someone , listen for the sound of footsteps... think about it. right now your whispering sweet nothings to your love and someone is walking all over it ..