ok! so i woke up at 6 30 this morning, i am trying to get off my sleeping pill. its not a bad thing, to wake up at 6 30. its peaceful, no one is going ballistic with road rage, its chilly, and the guys are all training for the marathon that is coming up.. some cute some old, but hot , some not. whatever... its fun to watch them.. they all pass below my house.. ive got my coffee, toast and butter, and compared to the shitty mood i fell asleep in last night, i feel blissfull. i guess the best part of being a easily depressed person, is that is that im doubly easy to please. one little thing is all it takes to make me happy. because i totally dont know how long its going to last. dont get fooled. im real party pooper when im down.  i do not know how to kick that nagging doubt in my head thats trying to get me down. but for a moment like right now, its worth experincing that... but dont try and make life any harder than it already is please. this is not a movie !

 

today im just going to try my best to stay happy. for someone dear. who isnt here anymore.... she made the most amazing beef patties. it was heaven when i ate them. she made them just for me. but more than anything if it wasnt for her, i would never have my best friend. so heres to knowing that life is short. you just have to make the most of it. there is no room for doubt or pride.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i am advised by many people everyday to protect myself. not to say too much. it increases my chances of being hurt. but why blame someone else for all your grief? it takes 2 hands to clap, 2 to tango, and certainly you are  as responsible for your happiness as anyone else is.

how can u go through life without saying whats on your mind? .  is the fear of getting hurt that great, that you would live a life without feeling? isnt that what life is about ? emotion.. having a voice. exchanging thoughts. meeting people, getting hurt, having a good time,  getting up and moving on.   the comment on the last blog brings to mind an old poem.

 

*

she wondered today

as she bathed in chemicals

designed to calm

concocted to clean

why did she feel so dirty

 

later she wondered once more

as she sprayed herself with chemicals

bottled to lure

concocted to seduce

why did she smell fear

 

perhaps if she went through life unfeeling

designed to survive

bottled to hide

and concocted to seduce

would she ever meet you? 

*

 

i dont doubt that maybe i feel too much. and yes i get hurt . but who doesnt? happiness is a state of mind. id take my chances with getting hurt and a few minutes of delusion rather than be the quiet voiceless girl in the corner.

because i want to know whats on your mind.

because i want to tell you what im thinking...

because i think...

 life is just beautiful..

 

 

 

 

(ps felix: i wasnt offended at all by your comment. im glad you said whats on your mind. it made me think about whats on mine..  )

 

a small extract from Scott Adams ' The Dilbert Blog' .. if you aint reading this, your truly missing out on something . . you can read the whole entry here ..  but this particular bit totally cracked me up.

---

I  jumped the gun with my recent series about the “mildly retarded consultant.” Boy did I hear about that. I thought I covered my bases. First, “mild retardation” is the accepted medical term, and I used it that way, as a label and not as an insult. Second, it’s my observation that almost everyone has some sort of mental problem. I’m dyslexic. You have ADD. The neighbor is clinically depressed. Your uncle washes his hands four hundred times a day. Your sister is an emotional basket case. Your best friend is a chronic masturbator. The guy in the next cubicle is on Prozac. The woman behind him is on Xanax. To her right is the guy on Paxil. He’s on the phone with the vendor who’s on Valium. And they all pray to invisible friends.

To put it another way, who the hell DOESN’T have some sort of mental problem? To me, it seemed like everyone was out of the closet on mental disorders, and that mentioning one in particular should be no big deal. But as I said, I misjudged our collective readiness on this issue. I’ll be happy when society realizes that all humans are mentally fucked up, just in different ways. I mistakenly thought we were already there.

---

silence doesnt sit well with me. not when it involves another person. i need to comunicate. i have a nasty habit of thinking for other people. assuming , presuming and screwing my happiness. i wish people would say what was on their minds. but people dont really change. you have to either change yourself or learn to let go. how do you let go of it without letting them go. i hate letting go. especially when its someone i love.

***

this silence  

it speaks a thousand words

*** 

 

life is crawling along. just like this little guy. my brain is running on empty. everything is unreal. sometimes being numb isn't enough. I'm thinking, what's his biggest responsibility?  would i rather be him. crawling along. never having to prove myself. do bugs get diarrhea? or cataracts? or fall in love? write poems and blogs. or do they just get smacked flat out with a heavy book ?

 (this little bugger loves hip hop though... i could tell from his twitching antennae..)

 

 

 

 

 

wires , wires everywhere. whether its San Fran,, mumbai or London.. there was never any shortage of wires all over the place. ok so all the birds seem to have a good time, little rest stops.. watching the sea of human traffic below them. wires below your feet, under the ground. phone wires. conversations travelling underground. and you're walking on them. the next time you talk to someone , listen for the sound of footsteps... think about it. right now your whispering sweet nothings to your love and someone is walking all over it ..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 dont you just want to run away some days ?

the blues left me for an hour... or was it two? .. washed over by a calmer shade of blue.. turqouise maybe.. but now as the white clouds hide...  god spills his midnight ink over my turquoise skies... a messy  blot that wont come off.. where is the rain when you need it?

 sometimes words fail. and even dreams cant weave their magic. neither can you. and i know.. this journey can only be walked alone.yet it wouldnt be the same without you. somethings cant be denied..  

the headlines remind me of a home i left behind. the one id never thought id call home. and here i am 'home' where i dont belong. the urge to leave washes over me. and the little green park beckons. i remember it was dug up when i left. the cherry trees were bare.. and the yellow tape kept me from my sanctuary... but come april and the flowers will bloom.. will the trees whispering secrets to each other still be there?? the thought of seeing it born again when im back gives life to a dream again.. i feel my spirits lift..

its time to kick off those running shoes. because its time to put on your wings and fly...

 

 

 

 

 

 

so its Sunday again :O . and Ive replaced the blues with anger. im beginning to think i need anger management classes. i dont know when i started to get so angry... with everyone. my dad , my friends, myself. i love to hate . its my favourite pastime. a lot of it has to do with all the f****** steroids. but i wonder how much of it has to do with me. even now...im in such a crabby mood. im tired of being sick. im tired of the ups and downs, of everyone treating me like its my fault. perhaps if they gave me a little less grief  started respecting my wishes. stopped forcing me to eat food that makes me sick. stop pointing out all my flaws to me. stopped asking how many times i threw up today. argh!

oh well. as annoyed as i am, i cant crib. it annoys me.

hehe